Friday, 28 September 2018

A Day Off: The Road To Recovery & Thinking About The Future


The only word that I can really use to describe today is 'interesting', and I know (ironically) that that's not the most interesting word to use to describe it, but it's the only one that comes to mind. I can't remember the last time that I managed to cram so much into one of my days off. Objectively, it may not seem like I've done much, but today feels like it's been monumental. This is the first time I've felt like writing in a while, so I'd quite like to document the day that has made such an impact on me.
  • It was an early start for me today since I had to call the doctors' practice at 8am to get an on-the-day appointment to speak to a professional about my mental health. Mum and I sat on our phones, calling and calling and calling until, finally, Mum got through to the receptionist and nabbed us an appointment for 9:40am.
  • Mum managed to dive out of work to come with me to meet with the doctor, and I'm incredibly grateful and glad that she was there to fill in the blanks in my explanations, to lend me a tissue when I got emotional, and to just be a pillar of support for me. Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am to have such a great mum? Because I really am. The doctor was so lovely with me, laying everything out logically and making sense of my feelings without sounding condescending towards the clueless and scared twenty-one-year-old sobbing in front of him, and the session ended with him writing me a prescription.
  • After Mum dropped me off back at home, it was straight back out with Dad for a spot of breakfast and a mooch around the shops, where I bought a bright new jumper (pictured above) and a floral jumpsuit in the New Look sale. He made sure that I was okay after opening up about my feelings that morning. Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am to have such a great dad? Because I really am. 
  • In the afternoon, I took a thirty-minute creative writing club with some kids at the local primary school where my mum works. It's hard to get an awful lot of writing done in half an hour, but the girls were enthusiastic and bursting with some very creative ideas. I've been in to do creative writing with them before, and it turned out just as fun this time as it was last time, despite how nervous I was beforehand. I hope I'll get to go back again soon!
  • Once Mum was home from work, we took another trip into town to chat over coffee. I can't say my folks don't treat me well, can I? I picked up my prescription so that I'll be ready to start on it tomorrow, and then we took another wee look around the shops, picking up a few necessities as well as gathering some more birthday presents for my best friend. Just caught sight of a few things that I hope she'll love!
  • This evening, I've booked a weekend away in Dundee - staying two nights this time instead of one - and I've actually sat down and written this blog post, which these days is a rarity.
So, that's been my day. Interwoven between these events were discussions of what the future holds for me, including the road to recovery which I began today and whether or not I might go into teaching in the future. I have a lot of conflicting views about going into teaching. On the one hand, I can think of dozens of pros including getting to impart words of wisdom upon the children in my care (therefore doing something productive with my life), buying plenty of new stationery, and updating my wardrobe to include more teacher-y items, but the cons keep getting in the way: the pressure of being a reliable role model, the fear that I will fail the kids in my care, the worry that it's not really what I want to do but simply what people have tricked me into believing I should be doing with my English degree. I've still got a lot of thinking to do about where I'm heading, but for now, I just know that I'm feeling more optimistic about the near future. Even the little things that are coming up like next week's haircut, an event at a local art gallery, a taster art class, and my trip to Dundee at the tail end of October are making me look forward to the coming weeks. I could launch into a long rambling speech here about small victories and taking each day as it comes and how I hope the next few weeks will turn out as I try to turn things around, but I've already discussed these things so extensively today with those around me that I'd rather not repeat anything here, at least not just yet.

The usual stuff still stands, though. If you're struggling, speak out. If you need help, seek it. You matter, you are loved, and there is nothing so big that you cannot overcome it. Onwards and upwards from here. Let's see what this next week brings!
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