Thursday, 14 June 2018

A Day Off: Moving Day & A Dose Of Reality

Today was supposed to be the day my dad and I spent clearing out my Dundee flat before I return for graduation next week to spend my last few days in the city there. Turns out today was the last day I would ever spend in the flat that I have called home for the last two years. I didn't even realise as I closed the front door for the last time that it in fact was the last time I would ever close that door.

And why was this goodbye so abrupt? Because I didn't read an email that had been sent to me a month ago, stating that my lease ended on June 16th, and that keys had to be returned to the office by the end of that day.

As such, this has screwed over my plans - and my whole family's plans - for my graduation, and this evening has been spent frantically trying to find alternative accommodation. Thankfully, despite the intimidating 'FULLY BOOKED' slogans written in red across almost every booking website, my folks and I have managed to find me a place (or should I say 'places' since I'll be staying at two hotels in the space of three days) to stay. My mistake is going to cost me a lot of money, let's just put it that way, plus I've let down not only my parents but also my lovely grandparents who are travelling up from England next week to see me graduate.

There is so much I could write about here in this post that would make it unbearably long: how, when I realised that all our plans for the week ahead were falling apart right before my eyes and that it was my fault, I was afraid to go home and face my disappointed mother and couldn't even think of what to say to my disappointed father on the drive there; how a telltale sign of my mental state at any given time is how cluttered my email inbox is; how I have once again found myself in a situation where I know that I should have learned my lessons by now. But, as I say, these topics would make this post far too long. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe just because I'm so frustrated by the day's events and at myself for once again disappointing the ones I love that I feel the need to explain myself.

But even when I try to explain why this happened, I can't. I don't know why I got so lazy with checking emails. I barely know why I got so emotional when my parents criticised me for what I had done, criticism that was thoroughly deserved. Perhaps because I immediately knew what I had done was stupid, and didn't want to be lectured about why what I had done was stupid because I hated myself enough already without others piling on more reasons. Something tells me that these are all topics to be explored another day, either on here or with a therapist because this happens to me entirely too often. I act before I think, and only realise my mistakes after the fact, something that no rational, independent adult should really do, especially not one who doesn't take too well to criticism.

There is one thing that I can explain without fail, however: the fact that I was crying all the way home because I had unknowingly closed the front door to my flat for the last time. I never got to look out for the final time through the floor-to-ceiling window over the city rooftops, a view that had inspired so much poetry. I never got to look around at the now-bare walls and the empty shelves and the uncharacteristically-clean counter tops, at my entire university life reduced to piles of bags and boxes, and realise that I was not only about to move out, but also about to move on. I never got to say a formal goodbye to my little slice of independence, to a place that was sometimes the last place I wanted to be, but which was always home.

A combination of all of these emotions made me a bit of a wreck for the majority of the afternoon. Writing this with the benefit of a few hours of hindsight helps me realise that it's simply a sequence of unfortunate events that could have easily been avoided. I'm not writing this post to gain sympathy that I don't deserve or to rant for the sake of ranting. Maybe I should see this as a lesson that needs to be learned.

So, what have I learned? For one thing, I need to read my damn emails, because the second I start ignoring my inbox, that's when everything starts to slip. I still need to learn how to keep my cool, to take criticism without lashing out, and to rectify my mistakes as quickly as possible without freaking out or being fearful of what others might say. I need to stop making bad decisions, and when I make bad decisions, I need to learn how to say, 'There's no excuse for what I did and I'm sorry', instead of wildly trying to justify my actions with vague statements about how my head isn't in the right place.

Plenty to learn. Considering that I'm twenty-one years old (in fact, only a few months away from turning twenty-two), it's frightening to me that I still have so much to come to terms with, but maybe having a place like this to expand upon my thoughts will help. I can only hope, because things need to change now that I'm no longer in the warm, cuddly arms of university life, and find myself instead in the cold, grey adult world of taxes and mortgages and constant work. Eek.


1 comment

  1. Aw, Maddie! I'm so sorry ~ this must've been so disheartening! You are so responsible, and trust me, I know how easy it is to read the emails wrong, especially mixing-up dates. Thanks for your sweet vulnerability this post.


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